Because I Said So

A Little Perspective

There's nothing like being sick and wishing someone would just pull the plug to put a little perspective on life. Although, I do have to admit that the constant state of being somewhere between reality and a drug-induced reality can be rather amusing. Anyway, during this time, I made some realizations about myself. They were very difficult to accept, but once I did, I felt incredibly liberated. I realized that I just hadn't been ready to accept that some people in this world simply do not have good intentions. They are self-serving and treat life as nothing more than a game. They cannot see that other people have feelings, and that they in fact have the ability to effect them. Whether it be positivly or negativly. These are typically the people who cause the most disruption in the world for they are absolutely immune to the impact of their own actions.

Finally accepting the fact that some people just aren't good, honest human beings allowed me to let go of the hope I was hold out for certain people in my life. I had some how managed to hold on to the believe that if I stuck with them long enough, I could maybe I could bring about a positive change in them. I had blindly hoped that maybe they would eventually see the light. Alas, that is not possible for some folks. They just are not able to change. They only see what they choose to see, and not what is really right before their own eyes. I am powerless to change these people. Life and karma will have to take care of them eventually. It does make me kind of sad though. These are the people who will never be happy with anything or anyone. They just can't be satisfied. They think they know what they want, but when they get it, they convince themselves they need more. They think they are superior to just about everyone. When in truth, they are not nearly the prize they think they are. I am greatly disappointed with myself for feeding the ego of one of these people. I confirmed his believe that he is God's gift over and over again. Even when he was treating me like the shit on the bottom of his shoe. It was that damn hope that kept me there. I wanted so badly for him to be a good person, maybe to even be my Prince Charming. But as charming as he was sometimes, it was nothing more than a narcassistic act. He was charming when it suited his needs. Otherwise, he was an utter ass.

What really gets me is what it took for ME to finally see the light. He had to show the ultimate disrespect. Don't get me wrong, I knew he didn't have any respect for me. I knew he didn't "like" me. He told me as much; many times. But it comes back to that fucking hope. Anyway, he had go so far as to actually violate me in a very personal way to get rid of me. I feel so totally humiliated by the whole thing. As much as I blame him and as angry as I am, I know that it's largely my fault. I put myself in the situation. He was never worth any of this. But I was there, and I guess in a way I asked for it. I mean, I sure as hell didn't ask for him to do what he did. On the contrary. I told him no many, many times. But I was asking for him to do something dramatic to get rid of me. I have always blindly trusted people. That included him. I know better now. I can easily claim to be much more jaded because of him. I will guard my heart and my trust much more closely. I will never again give it away to anyone so undeserving. After all, the only person I can count on is myself. At least I know that now. Better late than never.

tirade by Jenster at 12:07 AM