A New Arrival
Today my third great-niece was born. She was born at 8:17pm weighing in at a whopping 8lbs 6oz. Her name is Olivia, and last I heard, her middle name was still to be determined. I have to admit that this is truly a bittersweet occasion for me, just as it was when my great-niece Saydee was born. I am ecstatic for my niece and her new bundle of joy. But I can't help but to be reminded of what I lost, what I am missing, and what will never be. It still breaks my heart. I fear it always will.I suppose it doesn't help that I'm experiencing the wake-up call of a lifetime. So I guess I was already sad to begin with. See, for years I have toyed with the idea of leaving the only place I have ever called home in search of a new life. What has stopped me are the people I love. I knew that I would unbearably miss being a part of their lives. I also carried a huge guilt; somehow I felt that they needed me around. Well, I have come to realize just how wrong I was. I have come to a point where I'm not really a part of their lives at all. I'm on the outside looking in. I feel that I have been excluded from my own family. My friends have all moved on to other friends (that became abuntantly clear on New Year's Eve). I don't really have a place here anymore. So I think it really is time to move on. Start a new life somewhere else.
I have been aware that I am at a major crossroads. I have been trying to sort it out piece by piece. I know that I want to take this opportunity to go back to school. I have even narrowed it down to two programs I want to pursue. As much as it scares me, and pains me, I think it's just time to cut my losses. I am nobody as long as I'm here. I once went two weekes without talking to anyone. I waited to see if anyone would call me. Guess what? They didn't. After two weeks I broke down and called them. I could die in my sleep and my body would decompose before anyone noticed I was missing. How frickin' pathetic is that? This isn't home for me anymore. I don't know exactly when I stopped mattering. I guess I missed that episode. I'm tired of being reminded that I used to be someone. Someone's sister, aunt, friend, daughter. I need to find a place where I never mattered so I can start over. And who knows, maybe someday I will matter again. But for now, I just need for my life to start. I need to stand on my own two feet. I know I have a family who doesn't care where I go or what I do. I will never make them proud. I just hope I can make me proud. I have never been surrounded by supportive people. I've always been told that my dreams were unrealistic and not possible. So I lost sight of my dreams. I simply stopped dreaming. I just part of me just either wanted to believe that they cared, or just kept waiting for them to care. I can see now that isn't going to happen. It's up to me, and only me. It's time to go.
P.S. Will post a picture of Olivia when I get one.
tirade by Jenster at
12:04 AM
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