The Art of Letting Go
I've been doing some soul searching lately, and I've come to discover a couple of things about myself. I have always been a very caring person. It's a trait I undoubtly inherited from my mom. We just care. At some point, I decided that I care to a fault. So I set out to change that about myself. I set out to let go. Well, I've realized that to stop caring just goes against who I am at my core. I can't just stop caring. And when I see someone I care about doing something unhealthy, I want to help. I spent so much time and energy trying to learn to let go, that I completely missed what was really needed. I need to learn to stop thinking that I can help.
See, I have absolutely no control over who I care about. If I care, I just care. End of story. The problem with that is when I see someone I care about heading for a train wreck, I through myself in front of them in an effort to avoid the crash. Obviously, the person who gets hurt is me, and the person who was spared never figures out there was a crash at all. I have done this my entire life; with my mom, my sister, and a few others as well. Throwing myself in front of the wreck doesn't typical do anyone any good. What I think I need to do is to learn to just let the crash happen and be there to help in the aftermath, if I can. What I'm having a difficult time with is thinking that I can help someone when there is no hope whatsoever. I get so caught up in my desire to help and to be there that I completely ignore the warning signs.
I'm still trying to figure out why on earth I ever thought I could help The Guy. I just see him doing so many things that hurt the people around him. He admittedly doesn't care how other people feel about his actions. He is so self-serving that he just doesn't get how much he hurts others. And I'm not just talking about myself here. I see his emotional ineptitude and poor judgement as one huge train wreck waiting to happen. To add to my need to help, I see that he is going to take a bunch of innocent people down with him. I have wanted to badly to stop that wreck from happening. I wanted to spare not only him, but the unsuspecting people around him. He has managed to charm these people so they don't see his lies. He tells these people what they want to hear, not what is real and true. I wonder if he even knows what is true himself. I sometimes think he has others so convinced that he is someone he's not, that he actually believes it himself. Regardless, this is one train wreck I cannot prevent. There will be casualties, but not mine.
I'm left trying to figure out what it was that made me think he would listen to me; why I thought I could make him see things in a different light. He never listened to even the most mundane of things. He can't remember when my birthday is, what my middle name is, or even my age. He is surprised every time he learns that I am left-handed or that I'm allergic to shellfish. And I actually thought I could make a differnce. Stupid, I know. All I can do is turn and look the other way. However, that doesn't mean that I will stop caring. Caring is just who I am. I don't care who has a problem with that, including The Guy himself. I am just not going to let him continue to hurt me or lie to me while he goes down. I am willing to accept defeat.
tirade by Jenster at
5:59 PM
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