Because I Said So

A Major Breakthrough

Okay, so I've been absent for a while. I've been dealing with an ongoing medical issue for the last two plus years. It has been really frustrating, as I'm sure you all can imagine. Anyway, after seeing many, many doctors, the general consensus is that I have an autoimmune disorder, most likely lupus. It's not an easy disease to diagnose, so that's why it's only likely at this point. Regardless, I have been sicker than a dog. It has shut down most of my life. I've had to take a medical leave from work (which is actually good since that place is going to hell in a hand basket very quickly), so now I'm dealing with lovely financial strains as well. My insurance is crappy to begin with, and the largely reduced income doesn't help. What has this society come to when getting medical care becomes a burden. We pay taxes up the butt, and what do we really get in return? Ugh. Don't get me started. That's a rant for another post.

Anyway, I've been going to family therapy with my sisters for the last month or so because we seem to have a vicious communication issue that we haven't been able to change, and desperately need to. It's a long story, but I'll try to give you the short version since it directly applies to the aforementioned breakthrough.

See, my sisters are 10 and 13 years older than I am. When I was 15-years-old, my mother passed away. Shortly before her passing, my dad came to me and asked if we should leave my mom. She was a manic depressive who refused to get help. I think my dad got tired of dealing with it, so he went to me to find a way out. I felt that if we left her for a while, she would get help. I was a very sheltered 15-year-old, what the hell did I know? Anyway, I said yes, let's bolt. So he took me to my sisters house and said he'd come back for me. Next thing I know, he's shacking up with some tart and has completely forgotten about me and my mother. A few months later, my mom died. Well, that was pretty much the end of my relationship with my father. At that point I was more or less abandoned. My sisters had their own families, so they weren't much of a support system for me. So I just bucked up and plugged through the trails and tribulations of life the only way I knew how.

Well, in a therapy session today, I discovered that I never grieved for the loss of my mom, or my dad for that matter. I have a lot of built up anger and guilt that I have never expressed to anyone. I think that realizing this, and seeing the impact that all of this has had on who I have become, was a major epiphany. I can see how it relates to so many of the problems I have had in my life. It gives me hope that if I can work through the guilt and the anger, my life will improve. Maybe I can finally be confident enough to be successful. Maybe I'll be okay with being alone. I guess only time will tell, but here's hoping for a positive outcome!

Oh, and that guy that I've been ragging about, well there is also another epiphany there. I'll wait for tomorrow to post that gem. In the meantime, I'd also like to post a picture from the Walk America event. It was a nice day and a great walk. I was impressed with my fundraising, if I do say so myself. :-)

tirade by Jenster at 2:44 AM