Because I Said So

Okay, So It's Not Just Me

My life has been full of epiphanies and light bulb moments lately. One of my more recent ones involve this guy that I've been going on about. It's been slowly hitting me for the last couple of months. I think the final straw was when he pushed me into driving home after I had been drinking. Granted, I wasn't wasted, but I definitely had a good buzz on. Now, I should tell you that drinking and driving is one of the things that angers me the most. And I swore I would never do it. The fact that he would endanger my life, as well as those around me, just destroyed whatever ounce of trust I had left.

Okay, so let me give you a run-down on the evolution of my feelings towards this guy. This guy was a college professor of mine. The first time I met with him, I felt this instant connection. It was a bizarre thing for me because I had never experienced that before. Well, apparently he felt it to. It wasn't long before he was IMing me and at some point the conversations stopped being clean. I was very confused by this because I knew it was totally unethical. Eventually, he invited me over, and one thing led to the other. After that, he started acting distant and cold towards me. I learned from him that he was attracted to his younger 19-year-old students, and has actually dated some of them. However, not while he was their professor. This was something that just disturbed me. Other events took place that I won't get into, but it did involve lying and deception on his part. We stopped talking for almost a year. In retrospect, I realized that this guy was completely emotionally inept. I have since reconnected with this person. Over the last year that we have been in contact, I naively felt that I could somehow help him. He is the type of person that totally controls his feelings. He only feels what he wants to and ignores everything else. This is probably how he can be so promiscuous and not care. He can decide he doesn't love or even like someone because their socio-economical or educational backgrounds don't match his. He decides he doesn't like someone because they are overweight. He is very shallow. I thought that maybe this is how some guys just are. I thought that I was just naive and maybe this type of is normal. I thought that if I stuck around, no matter how mean and disrespectful he was to me, I could somehow fix him; make him see the light. I realized how stupid that notion was. Even my friends and therapist told me that his behavior is not normal. People who truly feel things, can't control it. They can only control the way the react to feelings. They don't just decide who they love. The saying that you can't choose who you love is totally true. Either the connection is there or it isn't. He believes that he shouldn't have to work at a relationship. Any kind of relationship. He wants to only hang around people who are mirror images of himself. Nobody is allowed to disagree with him. At some point, I thought that maybe he really did care about me, or heaven forbid, maybe even love me. Perhaps he just doesn't know it yet. I thought that maybe if I went away, he would come running. Yeah right. If I left, he wouldn't even flinch. I have since realized that he doesn't know how to love. He has said so many terrible things to me that there is no way he could possibly care about me. Hell, he even flaked on my birthday and was so mean about it, I cried. Maybe there never was a connection at all.

I know now that he is a total narcissist. He only likes having people around who boost his ego. This guy is in his mid-thirties, but has the emotionally intelligence of a five-year-old. I wish I could warn every young girl out there to stay away from him. He will eventually hurt them. He'll get bored with them and move on. He is going to be alone for the rest of his life. I think part of the reason why he likes these young girls is because they are naive enough to put up with his shit. Anyone who is close to his age will call him on it, as I did. And look where that got me! Well, I know that it's his problem and not mine. I am not all of the things he has accused me of being. I am a good and caring person that he is missing out on. His loss.

I'm tempted to post his picture here, like a mug shot, so that women everywhere can be warned. I won't be that mean though! He claims he going to be "celibate" for now. That is the biggest joke I have ever heard. He is incapable of celibacy. I just hope he doesn't endanger anyone else. It was bad enough that he has endangered me more than once. I sincerely hope nobody has to pay for his lack of feeling. Okay, end of rant! :-)

tirade by Jenster at 8:34 PM