Because I Said So

I Stand Alone

I have realized many things about myself and those around me in the last couple of days. It all became painfully clear yesterday morning. I knew change was coming, but I don't think I saw any of this coming.

I have become the epitome of what others have perceived me to be over the course of my adult life. I think any hopes and dreams I may have had for myself died along with my mother some twenty years ago. Every since her death, I have not had a support system. I just stuffed my grief and went about my life the only way I knew how. It never occurred to me that I was truly alone in the world until a couple of years ago. I always figured the negative attention I got from my family was better than no attention. I assumed it was better to have them telling me I would inevitably fail at everything than to not have them around at all. Well, eventually I became that failure that they all assumed I would be. So I'm left with a choice. Lay down and die a failure, literally, or pick up whatever pieces are left and say to hell with everyone. Personally, I would like to know what it feels like to succeed at something than to waste my life being a terminal failure. So I guess I'm saying to hell with everyone.

I have always felt so guilty for not giving in to my family. I have always just conformed to what they wanted because it was easier than dealing with their disappointment. But the truth of the matter is that they want to be disappointed. I was always scared to leave them because of guilt. Yet, I'm realizing that they were never there to begin with, so there is really nothing to leave. They all have their own lives, and I don't have a place in them. I'm not sure where it is in this world that I do belong, but I know it's not here. It is rather frightening that I don't feel guilty, but at the same time I feel liberated. I have wanted for so long to break the dysfunctional cycles that have been in place for as long as I can remember. I now see that the cycles can't be broken because I am the only one who sees them for what they are. Nobody else is listening because they are so caught up in their own beliefs that they can't open their ears or their minds. Instead they kicked me when I am down. I choose to not accept that from them anymore. I have given to them in their times of need. I am tired of giving. I'm tired of being alone.

So given that I have no job, no place to live, and plenty of debt (thanks to my shitty health) I have had to make some tough choices. And pronto. I know that even if I do get a decent job here in the Bay Area, there is no way I can afford to live here, and pay off my debts. It just isn't possible. Especially with my limited resources. So I have looked into moving elsewhere. I've thought about it many times over the years, but I always felt guilty at the thought of leaving. Without that guilt hanging over my head, I know that now is the time to take action. There are three places I can go where it would be feasible to start over. One is relatively close, but I don't think I'd have anywhere to stay when I got there. So I'd need to have more money to start with, but the moving costs would be less since it's not as far. The second place I'd have somewhere to stay while I found a job and a place to live. I could cram as much as I can into my tiny car and make the trip, but I'd probably have to fly back at some point and rent a truck to move the rest of my stuff. That's not a cheap thing to do. The last place is pretty much across the country, so it wouldn't be cheap or easy, so that's probably a last resort. I have some serious thinking to do in the next couple of days. All that I know is that I'm tired. I'd rather be completely alone than to have people around me telling me that I'm no more than a screw up. I know I'm a good person and I am capable of surviving anything. This too, I shall survive.

tirade by Jenster at 10:04 PM