Because I Said So

Narcissus

Okay. So I've been trying to figure out for quite some time why it is that I am drawn back to this big loser. Time and time again. Without fail. I have come to terms, and accepted, the reality that comes along with him. I know he will never care about me. I know I will never be important to him. I know that he doesn't think about me. Before you say it, let me point out that he has told me these thing. Repeatedly. I have accepted that I will never be anything more than a quick fuck (and due to his "issues", not even that anymore), or someone to take out his anger on. He surrounds himself with only women. There are no men in his life, including his so-called therapist. He is a womanizer. I have learned to deal with these things. I have, for the first-time in my life, managed to completely emotionally detach myself from someone. I have figured out how to have absolutely no expectations of him. I don't expect a birthday card, not a "Merry Christmas", or a "is there anything I can do for you". Yet, I still keep talking to him; seeing him. I do it knowing that I'm not even worth a second thought. I think a large part of why I'm okay with it has to do with the fact that I know he is not good enough for me. I know that he is not someone that I could ever trust, as he lies to me continually. I know he is not someone who possess the qualities that I love in people. He is not considerate, not thoughtful, not romantic. He is not someone I could ever love. Yet I keep him around. Why?

I recently heard a song by Alanis Morissette (or Alanis More-Upset as I call her) that summed it up pretty well for me:

Dear momma's boy I know you've had your butt licked by your mother
I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her
And every woman graced with your presence after

Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for anything
I know you've never really taken responsibility
I know you've never really listened to a woman

Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation

And any talk of healthiness
And any talk of connectedness
And any talk of resolving this
Leaves you running for the door

(Why do I try to love you
Try to love you when you really don't want me to)

Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any consequence
You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance

Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily
A stranger to the concept of reciprocity
People honor boys like you in this society

And any talk of selflessness
And any talk of working at this
And any talk of being of service
Leaves you running for the door

(Why do I try to help you try to help you
When you really don't want me to)

You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to ignoring all the rest of us
You go back to the center of your universe

Dear self-centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by you
I've never lasted very long with someone like you
I never did although I have to admit I wanted to

Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take your shit
You've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it
I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it

And any talk of willingness
And any talk of both feet in
And any talk of commitment
Leaves you running for the door

(Why do I try to change you try to
Try to change you when you really don't want me to)

You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to being so oblivious
You go back to the center of the universe

So I guess the dilemma ensues. Maybe someday it'll all make sense. The only thing that I do know, is that I don't have any hope for him. It's liberating to not want or expect anything from him. I have gone on with my life, and he is not part of the future. Unfortunately, he will continue to hurt and manipulate people. But I am one person he can't play with anymore. Sooner or later, it's gonna start to piss him off. He only likes people who flatter him and take his shit. Well, that's not me. I am seriously evolving, and becoming the person I want to be. And taking the shit from a jerk is not who I want to be. This coming year is going to be big for me. Only those who have stuck by me and supported me through thick and thin will be around to enjoy it with me. It's time to clean house.

tirade by Jenster at 12:04 AM