Reflections
This year has been an interesting journey for me. I have learned many things about myself. I've had many "light bulb" moments. I can say with all certainty, that I am not the same person I was on January 1, 2005. I am going into the new year with a new outlook on life, and a new attitude as well. In my previous post, I talked about not having any expectations of a certain someone. I know without doubt that he will never call me out-of-the-blue to ask if I want to see a movie. I know he will never invite me to a party, nor will he attend one of mine (he declined to attend even my birthday party this year. In fact, he was a complete jerk and made me cry on my birthday. He has yet to apologize.) I do not expect that he will apologize for any wrong doing on his part. I know he will never give me a card, send me flowers, buy me a gift, or any other thoughtful gesture. The truly weird part about all of this is that I know that when someone comes along who treats me the way I should be treated, I'm gonna drop this idiot like a hot potato. And I know that as soon as he meets someone interesting, he'll drop me just as quickly. For once in my life, I have no attachment to a person I am sleeping with. It was a long-time coming, but somehow I just let go. Anyone who knows me, will confirm that I don't let go of anything! I guess he was just so disrespectful that I eventually shut him out. I'm having my cake and eating too. I'm having sex, but not obligated. I can see whom ever I choose and it doesn't matter. A different experience for me indeed.I have also learned that I'm not a 9-5 person. I just can't deal with an office environment where someone else owns me for 8 hours a day. I can't deal with needing permission to go to the doctor. I am an independent person and prefer to live on my own terms. So I'm researching what I can do to eek out an income on my own. It's not going to be easy, but I know it's what will make me happy and much less stressed out. And less stress means better health. It's really a Catch 22. So, I'd be grateful for any ideas!
I think one of the most suprising things I've learned about myself is that I'm not over my mother's death. It's been 18 years, and yet I have never greived. I wasn't in denial or anything, I just said "oh well" and kept on going. I never realized how traumatized I was by not only her death, but by my family circumstances as well. I was basically left to my own devices at the tender age of 14. I had no guidance, no support, no love, no security. Since my mom died, I haven't felt like I belong anywhere. I've just been drifting through life trying to find my way home. I'm just now realizing that when she died, I lost my home. It is now up to me to create a home of my own. And that's what I'm going to focus this new year on. Building a home, brick by brick. I know it won't be easy, but I know I can do it.
In the meantime, I'm going to not let people push me around anymore. I'm not going to waste my energy on people who don't want or respect it. I'm going to take care of me, and I'm going to stop letting people drag me down. I finally figured out that I can't fix people who don't want to be fixed. Their problems are just that- theirs.
I have a feeling that this is going to be my year. Please, oh please, let me be right!
tirade by Jenster at
12:21 AM
0 comment(s):
Post a comment
<< Home