Because I Said So

Very Fortunate

After dinner tonight, I opened up my fortune cookie. This is what I found:

How very poignant.

tirade by Jenster at 9:57 PM | 0 thoughts

Happy Birthday

Today would be my Mom's 63rd birthday. Every year my sisters and I get together on her birthday and have cake in her honor. It's kind of bizarre to think of what she would be like at age 63. She was only 46 when she died, so she will always be 46 in my mind. I can't imagine what she would look like as a little old lady. She will be forever young.

I was 15-years-old when she passed. I regret that I never had the chance to know her as an adult. I envy my sisters for having had that opportunity. But I can't change what happened, so instead I'll be thankful for the time that I did have with her.



The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears.
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For the dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own:
The car... The house... The cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
(You could be at “dash mid-range”)

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a while.

So when your eulogy’s being read
With your life actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

tirade by Jenster at 6:35 PM | 0 thoughts

One Of Those Things That Make You Go Hmm

I have never been one to believe in love at first sight. It just doesn't seem logical to me to love someone that you don't know. Sure, the idea of instant love is romantic and sweet, but is it really possible? Don't get me wrong, I'm a hopeless romantic and wear my heart on my sleeve. I just think that to truly love someone, you have to know the person to know what you love about them. I suppose that is what always frustrated me the most about the Guy. He continually told me he could never date me or love me, yet he never took the time to really get to know me. He just told himself whatever he wanted to about me without really seeing me. Hey, it's his loss.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because the guy is the one instance in my life that has confused this very theory. I don't care what anyone says, including the Guy himself, there was something there. The very first time I met him, I felt a connection like nothing I'd ever felt before. And I knew it instantly. Maybe that's why I wasn't surprised when he started flirting with me. Although it was uncalled for given our situation, I wasn't shocked by it. From that point on, I acted completely out-of-character for me. I realize now that I always felt a level of comfort with him that I haven't felt with anyone else. I didn't feel that awkward, ohmygodwhatishethinking thing that I feel with most people. The irony is that is was probably judging me more than most. I should have felt awkward. Yet, for some reason, I didn't. I have spent so much time trying to figure out what this "connection" is and where it came from. I even tried to convince myself that I was making it up; that it wasn't real. But I have to be honest with myself- it was real.

I will probably never understand that connection. I may never feel it again with anyone else. I assumed that the Universe made that connection for a reason. I felt like there should have been more to it than there was. Maybe that's why I put up with so much. I expected that something would come of it. But it didn't. I was never anything to the Guy. I know that now. I also know that there was in fact a cosmic thing between us. I just don't understand the purpose of it. I've always believed that things happen for a reason. Either I'm missing the reason here, or the reason has yet to reveal itself.

I have felt many times over the last three years that the other shoe has yet to drop. His other shoe. A week ago, I thought it had dropped. Now, I'm not so sure. Go figure.

tirade by Jenster at 1:13 AM | 0 thoughts

The House of Mouse

Someone recently asked me what my deal is with Mickey Mouse. Honestly, it isn't something I really thought about before. I've loved Mickey for as long as I can remember. There has always been a child-like quality about Disney that I was always drawn to. It is the place where wishes come true. Maybe I felt that I could escape my troubles there. Mickey always seemed to be the epitome of Disney in my mind.

I know that my love affair was kicked into high gear when I finally convinced my parents to take me to Disneyland in 1984. I was in awe of the place. It definitely lived up to it's "happiest place on earth" motto. I loved everything about the place. It was to be the last family vacation I would ever go on and I will always hold fond memories of that time.

That particular trip was when I fell in love with all things Mickey Mouse. He represents all things goofy (pun intended). There aren't too many places one can go and just have fun. It's a place where you leave all of your cares at the front gate (or I guess monorail these days) and just let loose. Where else can you dance down Main Street wearing a tutu? I mean, who cares how stupid you look? I think it's a requirement of being in the parade.

My dad took me to Disneyland for a second time on my 17th birthday. I'm sure it was to make up for the fact that I spent my sweet 16th birthday in a group home for teenagers. He felt a need to make-up for the crappy couple of years I had, so he took me to the place I loved the most. Oddly, I was surprised to find that when I arrived, the place still held the same magic for me. For those brief three days, I was a happy teenager with no cares in the world.

There is one last reason I hold a fondness for the place. My parents went there on their honeymoon just after the park opened. It was barely the same place then. My mom used to always seem so happy when she would talk about their trip there.

What can I say? I'm smitten with Disneyland. When I see anything Mickey Mouse, it reminds me of the good times and makes me smile. So, I guess that's my deal with Mickey Mouse.

tirade by Jenster at 11:16 PM | 0 thoughts

Waiting To Exhale

It seems like I've been waiting for as long as I can remember to talk that much needed cleansing breath. I'm finally ready to take it. I made a promise to myself on New Year's Eve that this is going to be my year. I'm not going to let others bring me down. I'm not going to waste any more of my energy on sad people who don't care that I'm giving them my energy. I am going to cut my losses. I accept that some people will never change. They will never realize how hurtful and disrespectful they can be. They will never know a good thing when it's right in front of them. Instead, they will go on living in their delusional world and never take responsibility for their actions.

I know my truth, and that holds more power than anyone else will ever hold. I am a good, kind, and caring person. I am attractive. These qualities that I possess have been validated by others. However, I don't need validation from others to know that I am great. I finally know it within, and that's what counts. I am taking back the power I have so willingly given to others. I am in the driver's seat now. Not anyone else. I have been liberated.

So go ahead. Be petty. Act like the childhood bullies who called me crazy based on the nothing they knew about my mother. I am done with immature and irresponsible people. Only good times from here on out. I have finally exhaled.

tirade by Jenster at 6:21 PM | 0 thoughts

The ABCs of Me

I got this off of Sizzle's blog. I thought it is a cool idea, so I thought I'd join in the maddness!

A through Z

[A is for age:]
The last days of 32.

[B is for booze of choice:]
A tie between a good margarita and a Cosmopolitan.

[C is for career:]
I'm still waiting to grow-up I guess. Most recently, I've been in the field of finance.

[D is for your dog's name:]
I don't have a dog. I had two dogs when I was a little kid. Their names were Beast and Taj.

[E is for essential items you use everyday:]
Cellphone, computer, toothbrush, hairbrush.

[F is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]
Photograph by Nickelback, One Thing by Finger 11, Because of You, Kelly Clarkson, When September Ends by Green Day, The Wicked soundtrack.

[G is for favorite games:]
Scrabble, Taboo, Scattergories.

[H is for hometown:]
Palo Alto, CA

[I is for instruments you play:]
Flute. Yes, I was a flute toting band dork.

[J is for jam or jelly you like:]
Apricot.

[K is for kids:]
Hopefully I will have some in the future. For now I have my cat, and my many nieces and nephews.

[L is for last kiss:]
I think I'll have to plea the 5th on this one. :)

[M is for most admired trait:]
Probably my loyalty. Or my bizarre ability to locate lost or random things.

[N is for name of your crush:]
Hands down, Patrick Dempsey.

[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
Ugh. I don't want to go there. I will mention the time I swallowed a penny when I was three, and it got stuck. It's kinda funny now.

[P is for phobias:]
Water and heights.

[Q is for quotes you like:]
Boys are bad. Throw rocks and run.

[R is for biggest regret:]
Not being more supportive of my mother when she was alive.

[S is for sweets of your choice:]
This list could go on forever. Chocolate in general, creme brulee, frosted sugar cookies, nasty Safeway cakes, Hobee's coffeecake, chocolate cupcakes.

[T is for time you wake up:]
Depends on the day.

[U is for underwear:]
Usually thong.

[V is for vegetables you love:]
I like most vegitables. I'm not a fan of zucchini though. Or beets.

[W is for worst habit:]
Being impatient.

[X is for x-rays you've had:]
Again, I won't even go there. I won't bore you.

[Y is for yummy food you make:]
I'm not a great cook. I do make good cookies and good salads though. Aparently, I'm not too bad with a BBQ either.

[Z is for zodiac sign:]
Pisces.

tirade by Jenster at 6:38 PM | 0 thoughts