Because I Said So: June 2006

The Music Has Died

I sadly announce that the 17-year-old family cat has gone on to greener pastures. Plié, affectionately known as "Bag Pipe Kitty", gave us hours of entertainment. We would pick her up and laugh as she growled and whined to various tunes; making "music" as only she could. She lived a long, good kitty life. She will be greatly missed by the family.

Meet Olivia

Here is her first close-up:

Here is Olivia with her big sis Ariana:

A New Arrival

Today my third great-niece was born. She was born at 8:17pm weighing in at a whopping 8lbs 6oz. Her name is Olivia, and last I heard, her middle name was still to be determined. I have to admit that this is truly a bittersweet occasion for me, just as it was when my great-niece Saydee was born. I am ecstatic for my niece and her new bundle of joy. But I can't help but to be reminded of what I lost, what I am missing, and what will never be. It still breaks my heart. I fear it always will.

I suppose it doesn't help that I'm experiencing the wake-up call of a lifetime. So I guess I was already sad to begin with. See, for years I have toyed with the idea of leaving the only place I have ever called home in search of a new life. What has stopped me are the people I love. I knew that I would unbearably miss being a part of their lives. I also carried a huge guilt; somehow I felt that they needed me around. Well, I have come to realize just how wrong I was. I have come to a point where I'm not really a part of their lives at all. I'm on the outside looking in. I feel that I have been excluded from my own family. My friends have all moved on to other friends (that became abuntantly clear on New Year's Eve). I don't really have a place here anymore. So I think it really is time to move on. Start a new life somewhere else.

I have been aware that I am at a major crossroads. I have been trying to sort it out piece by piece. I know that I want to take this opportunity to go back to school. I have even narrowed it down to two programs I want to pursue. As much as it scares me, and pains me, I think it's just time to cut my losses. I am nobody as long as I'm here. I once went two weekes without talking to anyone. I waited to see if anyone would call me. Guess what? They didn't. After two weeks I broke down and called them. I could die in my sleep and my body would decompose before anyone noticed I was missing. How frickin' pathetic is that? This isn't home for me anymore. I don't know exactly when I stopped mattering. I guess I missed that episode. I'm tired of being reminded that I used to be someone. Someone's sister, aunt, friend, daughter. I need to find a place where I never mattered so I can start over. And who knows, maybe someday I will matter again. But for now, I just need for my life to start. I need to stand on my own two feet. I know I have a family who doesn't care where I go or what I do. I will never make them proud. I just hope I can make me proud. I have never been surrounded by supportive people. I've always been told that my dreams were unrealistic and not possible. So I lost sight of my dreams. I simply stopped dreaming. I just part of me just either wanted to believe that they cared, or just kept waiting for them to care. I can see now that isn't going to happen. It's up to me, and only me. It's time to go.

P.S. Will post a picture of Olivia when I get one.

Because I Said So

Me

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My Peeps

In Your Spare Time

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Music Has Died

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Meet Olivia

Saturday, June 03, 2006

A New Arrival