Because I Said So

To Kill A Mocking Boy

I hate it when people mock me. Mocking is one of my biggest pet-peeves. Today, I was mocked to a point of anger by him. Today was one of those days in which I seriously ask why I bother with him. I try to figure out what I get from it. I'm not sure I get anything from him, yet I keep going back.

Last week, we made plans to hang out this evening. For the last couple of days, including today, he pretty much ignored me. He didn't really talk to me at all, and when I sent him messages confirming that we were still on for this evening, he didn't respond. So I reluctantly went to go meet him not knowing if he would be there. Well, he was there, but there was a very familiar bad feeling about the whole thing. He was very grouchy. We started to talk about life in general, and he couldn't stop saying how he was so glad to be leaving California next year, and how he never wanted to come back. Nice was to make the person you're with feel really good. How very sensitive of him. *sarcasm* Then, when I started talking about my plans, and what I needed to do, and various other political opinions, he flat out laughed at me. He belittled and shot down every comment as if it were the dumbest thing he had ever heard. Now don't get me wrong, I certainly don't expect him to agree with me, or to even understand my point-of-view. But he could at least be respectful enough to accept my opinions and choices and not laugh at them. That is flat-out mocking me. I don't take kindly to it.

When we were walking to the car, he started laughing at my opinions again. He told me I was just wrong in my feelings. Then he did the ultimate. He called me psycho. After I took great offense to that (he has no idea how incredibly shitty it really was), he told me to leave. So I did.

In my next several posts, I plan on telling the story of my life. The painful truths that I have never told anyone. The things about me that most of the people I know could never comprehend. For now, I will tell you this: My mother was bipolar. She was severely bipolar. I stopped having friends come over to my house because they would see her in all her glory and go and gossip about it at school. The kids would taunt me. At first, they would just make fun of my mother. As I got older, they would start to call me "psycho, just like my mother", and from there, they would throw rocks at me while we waited for the school bus. Eventually, they started pushing me and throwing their lunches at me. Oh the joys of growing up in a small, rich town. NOT!

Now you see why I will not tolerate being called psycho. Especially from the likes of him. He, in all seriousness, actually had the nerve to ask me what he has ever done to me that was wrong. He honestly believes that he has been good to me. I realized for the first time tonight just how truly delusional he is.

The last time he started acting distant and treating me like a joke was when he was started seeing a couple of other people and blatantly lied to me about it. He would make up stories to hide me from them. I didn't know about them, and they didn't know about me. He totally betrayed my trust. I have been feeling for the last couple of weeks that he was up to something similar again. In fact, the last couple of times we attempted to have sex, he claimed his impotence was because he wasn't feeling well. It's probably because there is someone else. He has told me many times that I'm not important to him, and that he doesn't care about me. I think I'm finally starting to believe him.

tirade by Jenster at 11:47 PM | 0 thoughts

Reflections

This year has been an interesting journey for me. I have learned many things about myself. I've had many "light bulb" moments. I can say with all certainty, that I am not the same person I was on January 1, 2005. I am going into the new year with a new outlook on life, and a new attitude as well. In my previous post, I talked about not having any expectations of a certain someone. I know without doubt that he will never call me out-of-the-blue to ask if I want to see a movie. I know he will never invite me to a party, nor will he attend one of mine (he declined to attend even my birthday party this year. In fact, he was a complete jerk and made me cry on my birthday. He has yet to apologize.) I do not expect that he will apologize for any wrong doing on his part. I know he will never give me a card, send me flowers, buy me a gift, or any other thoughtful gesture. The truly weird part about all of this is that I know that when someone comes along who treats me the way I should be treated, I'm gonna drop this idiot like a hot potato. And I know that as soon as he meets someone interesting, he'll drop me just as quickly. For once in my life, I have no attachment to a person I am sleeping with. It was a long-time coming, but somehow I just let go. Anyone who knows me, will confirm that I don't let go of anything! I guess he was just so disrespectful that I eventually shut him out. I'm having my cake and eating too. I'm having sex, but not obligated. I can see whom ever I choose and it doesn't matter. A different experience for me indeed.

I have also learned that I'm not a 9-5 person. I just can't deal with an office environment where someone else owns me for 8 hours a day. I can't deal with needing permission to go to the doctor. I am an independent person and prefer to live on my own terms. So I'm researching what I can do to eek out an income on my own. It's not going to be easy, but I know it's what will make me happy and much less stressed out. And less stress means better health. It's really a Catch 22. So, I'd be grateful for any ideas!

I think one of the most suprising things I've learned about myself is that I'm not over my mother's death. It's been 18 years, and yet I have never greived. I wasn't in denial or anything, I just said "oh well" and kept on going. I never realized how traumatized I was by not only her death, but by my family circumstances as well. I was basically left to my own devices at the tender age of 14. I had no guidance, no support, no love, no security. Since my mom died, I haven't felt like I belong anywhere. I've just been drifting through life trying to find my way home. I'm just now realizing that when she died, I lost my home. It is now up to me to create a home of my own. And that's what I'm going to focus this new year on. Building a home, brick by brick. I know it won't be easy, but I know I can do it.

In the meantime, I'm going to not let people push me around anymore. I'm not going to waste my energy on people who don't want or respect it. I'm going to take care of me, and I'm going to stop letting people drag me down. I finally figured out that I can't fix people who don't want to be fixed. Their problems are just that- theirs.

I have a feeling that this is going to be my year. Please, oh please, let me be right!

tirade by Jenster at 12:21 AM | 0 thoughts

Narcissus

Okay. So I've been trying to figure out for quite some time why it is that I am drawn back to this big loser. Time and time again. Without fail. I have come to terms, and accepted, the reality that comes along with him. I know he will never care about me. I know I will never be important to him. I know that he doesn't think about me. Before you say it, let me point out that he has told me these thing. Repeatedly. I have accepted that I will never be anything more than a quick fuck (and due to his "issues", not even that anymore), or someone to take out his anger on. He surrounds himself with only women. There are no men in his life, including his so-called therapist. He is a womanizer. I have learned to deal with these things. I have, for the first-time in my life, managed to completely emotionally detach myself from someone. I have figured out how to have absolutely no expectations of him. I don't expect a birthday card, not a "Merry Christmas", or a "is there anything I can do for you". Yet, I still keep talking to him; seeing him. I do it knowing that I'm not even worth a second thought. I think a large part of why I'm okay with it has to do with the fact that I know he is not good enough for me. I know that he is not someone that I could ever trust, as he lies to me continually. I know he is not someone who possess the qualities that I love in people. He is not considerate, not thoughtful, not romantic. He is not someone I could ever love. Yet I keep him around. Why?

I recently heard a song by Alanis Morissette (or Alanis More-Upset as I call her) that summed it up pretty well for me:

Dear momma's boy I know you've had your butt licked by your mother
I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her
And every woman graced with your presence after

Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for anything
I know you've never really taken responsibility
I know you've never really listened to a woman

Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation

And any talk of healthiness
And any talk of connectedness
And any talk of resolving this
Leaves you running for the door

(Why do I try to love you
Try to love you when you really don't want me to)

Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any consequence
You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance

Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily
A stranger to the concept of reciprocity
People honor boys like you in this society

And any talk of selflessness
And any talk of working at this
And any talk of being of service
Leaves you running for the door

(Why do I try to help you try to help you
When you really don't want me to)

You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to ignoring all the rest of us
You go back to the center of your universe

Dear self-centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by you
I've never lasted very long with someone like you
I never did although I have to admit I wanted to

Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take your shit
You've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it
I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it

And any talk of willingness
And any talk of both feet in
And any talk of commitment
Leaves you running for the door

(Why do I try to change you try to
Try to change you when you really don't want me to)

You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to being so oblivious
You go back to the center of the universe

So I guess the dilemma ensues. Maybe someday it'll all make sense. The only thing that I do know, is that I don't have any hope for him. It's liberating to not want or expect anything from him. I have gone on with my life, and he is not part of the future. Unfortunately, he will continue to hurt and manipulate people. But I am one person he can't play with anymore. Sooner or later, it's gonna start to piss him off. He only likes people who flatter him and take his shit. Well, that's not me. I am seriously evolving, and becoming the person I want to be. And taking the shit from a jerk is not who I want to be. This coming year is going to be big for me. Only those who have stuck by me and supported me through thick and thin will be around to enjoy it with me. It's time to clean house.

tirade by Jenster at 12:04 AM | 0 thoughts